E-Portfolio: Camp Writing Show Don't Tell

Describe It - Camp Experiences

Learning Objectives:

Level 3

• Select, form, and communicate ideas on a range of topics.
• Use language features appropriately, showing a developing understanding of their effects.
• Organise texts, using a range of appropriate structures.
• Show a developing understanding of how to shape texts for different purposes and audiences.

Level 4.

• Select, develop, and communicate ideas on a range of topics.
• Use a range of language features appropriately, showing an increasing understanding of their effects.
• Organise texts. Using a range of appropriate structures.
• Show an increasing understanding of how to shape texts for different purposes and audiences.

Learning goals:

• To ‘Show, Don’t Tell’ the reader by painting a picture with words.
• A variety of sentence starters
• A variety of sentence lengths
• Edit and rework
• Effective peer checking and feedback

Giant Swing GONE WRONG (Not Clickbait)

Thomas was climbing up the ladder, excited, adventurous but slightly nervous. He was wondering these two questions - 'How high up will I go?' 'Will it choke me like the other people said?'. The instructor clipped him onto the rope so fluently it was as if he could do it in his sleep. "Thomas are you ready" he exclaimed.
"Thomas is ready!" Thomas replied.
"Runners are you ready?" he followed up with.
"Runners are ready!" the runners yelled out.
"Runners, run away!"

The runners ran with the wind as their minds were set on going to the third post. Meanwhile, behind them, Thomas was shooting up into the air, the rope choking his neck as if it would fall off. He was scared and he felt like he was going to be stuck up there forever. Everybody else started counting down.
"3, 2, 1!" For a moment, nothing happened. All of a sudden, CLICK! WOOOOSH! He was flying down at the speed of light, screaming so much he couldn't scream anymore. Terrified, he nearly slammed into the trees. As he flew back down, still fast, he was as silent as a mouse as he wasn't as scared. He phased further up. The cycle repeated and he finally stopped cold. The ladder got moved, he gripped onto it and came down, satisfied with his experience. There was also a tired look on his face. To finish it all off, Thomas definitely would like to do the Giant Swing again.

Student Reflection: In my writing, one of my goals is to support main ideas with carefully chosen details and/or comments. I did/did not show this goal here because I used carefully chosen adjectives and I stuck to the main point of the writing. In my writing, one of my goals is to use complex sentences. I did/did not show this goal here because I used several complex sentences like "Thomas was shooting up into  the air, the rope choking his neck as if it would fall off". My next step is to focus on using different sentence structures, beginnings and lengths. Teacher Comment: Thomas, I like the way that you have focussed on your goals in this piece of writing choosing careful detail that draws the readers attention. You were able to paint a very clear picture in my mind of what you were experiencing. Your next step is to brainstorm different sentence structures including different beginnings and lengths. Miss Hurley.